Rashelle’s Corner – Reflections on Relationships and Clothing

Rachelle’s Corner

Lately, I have had a little controversy on my heart. The other day I went shopping at the mall with my cousin. We went into a store and she picked out some jeans to try on. While she was in the fitting room, a couple came up to the dressing rooms and the woman went into the room right next to my cousins, while the man stayed on the outside and looked over the door at what his girlfriend was trying on. I didn’t think anything of it.

Shortly afterwards, my cousin came out of the fitting rooms and approached me with a troubled look upon her face. She informed me that she heard everything that the couple was saying and that the guy showed some really controlling and aggressive signs. Apparently the situation was that the woman was trying on white dresses for some special party that she really wants to go to. Well the man, who was watching, believes that all of the dresses that she likes show wayyy to much of her chest. He proceeds to claim that the party is stupid, and that she doesn’t even have to wear a white dress, or even go at all. Then my cousin told me how the woman stated that the party was really important, all the girls are wearing white dresses and she needed to as well.

As my cousin and I went up to the checkout desk, I saw the couple come out from the fitting rooms. I noticed how she put all of the dresses in her hands back on the rack with a not-so-happy look on her face.

My cousin told me that she had a hard time not speaking up while she was trying on clothes, and in me, I had a strong desire to speak up as well. I wanted to take her aside and let her know that she has a right to wear what she wants, that she’s beautiful and no matter what, no man should ever control her so much. Alas, I refrained from approaching either of them.

My question to you is should I have? If you were in this situation, would you have approached them? On one hand, I wouldn’t want to offend her, or seem nosey, but on the other, she might have actually needed that word of encouragement. This is one situation I have definitely learned a lot from.

Over and Out!

-Rachelle

P.S. Have a Happy New Year!! J

Student at Metro Meridian

Thoughts from Today’s Teens About Dating

-A Student at Metro Meridian

I am in high school and in a dating relationship.  I am a senior and have been in a few relationships throughout my high school years.  However, the case is that about 90% of high schoolers are dating, in a relationship, looking to be in one – in my own school, at least.  As I sit in class and walk through the halls, I see couples holding hands, kissing, or arguing EVERY DAY!.  And, next week, they’ll be doing the same thing, except with someone else!  I bet, at least half the drama and gossiping in my school is due to it!  There are people in my school who have been involved with at least three people in the past four months!  As the generations pass by, it seems as though, little by little, we lose our dignity and self respect.  I understanding “testing the waters” and trying to actually find that special someone – BUT COME ON!  It’s getting a bit ridiculous.  I hear students complain about how they get talked don on or rumors are being spread about them.  Well, guess what?  It’s their own dang fault!  Tak the time to actually know someone!  A true relationship is built on friendship. 

Quiz – Is Your Relationship Healthy?

op Quiz: Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Everyone deserves to be in a safe and healthy relationship. Do you know if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve? Take a piece of paper and write down “yes” or “no” to the following statements to find out!

The Person I Am With

Quiz Scoring:

Give yourself 1 point for every “no” you answered to numbers 1-4; 1 point for every “yes” response to numbers 5-8; and 5 points for every “yes” to numbers 9-26.

Now that you’re finished and have your score, the next step is to find out what your score means. Simply take your total score and see which of the boxes below applies to you.

Score: 0 points

You got a score of 0? Not to worry—it’s a good thing! It sounds like your relationship is on a pretty healthy track. Fostering healthy relationships takes some work—keep it up! Remember that while you may have a healthy relationship, it’s possible that a friend of yours may not. If you think you know someone who may be in an abusive relationship, you can learn more about how you can help someone experiencing abuse.

Score: 1-2 points

If you scored 1 or 2 points, you may be noticing a couple of things in your relationship that may be unhealthy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are warning signs. It’s still a good idea to keep an eye on them to make sure there isn’t a pattern. The best thing to do is to communicate with your partner and let them know what you like and don’t like. Encourage them to do the same. Remember, communication is always a step forward to building a healthy relationship. It’s also good to be informed so that you learn to recognize the warning signs.

Score: 3-4 points

If you scored 3 or 4 points, it sounds like you may be seeing some warning signs of an abusive relationship. Warning signs should never be ignored. Something that starts small can get much worse over time. Relationships are never perfect—they take some work! But in a healthy relationship you won’t find abusive behaviors. If you think your relationship may not be as healthy as you deserve, visit StartStrongWichita.org for more information.

Score: 5 points or more

If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. You don’t have to deal with this alone. Start Strong Wichita can help. We can help you learn about your different options and resources that are available.

loveisnotabuse.com

Video on Bullying from an Orchestral Trio

Be Stronger

Tim Gunn, fashion consultant, who is the producer and on-air personality for TV’s popular show, Project Runway, once considered suicide because of how he was teased and disrespected when he was young.  Former professional football star and world-class athlete, Herschel Walker was given unmerciful grief for being overweight and out of shape when he was in elementary school.  Even President Barack Obama was treated with contempt by some people long before he was President because, as a youngster, he was not only the product of a culturally mixed marriage, but also an American kid living abroad.

Fortunately for all of them, they didn’t let the disregard keep them from excelling.  But still, there are far too many people who are growing up in a world where they are bullied by those who have somehow not learned how to value … or at least tolerate … those who are different, but nonetheless possessive of valuable and important gifts of character.

That’s why we can be thankful for one of the latest projects of a phenomenal trio of young musicians called Time For Three.  They recently produced a music video with a strong message regarding bullying. They will also be guests in Wichita as they are featured in next spring’s edition of the Wichita Symphony’s Young People’s Concert series.

On their web site (www.tf3.com) you will find an interview quoted on their home page that includes an explanation for why they produced their video.  Here is an excerpt:

We are Time for Three and this is our story — the story of so many kids who every day face challenges to who they are and who they want to be: their dreams, their ambitions, their identity. This video is for you guys. Be strong. Stick with it. We did, and we are stronger for it.

Why did you make this video?

We’ve been wanting to make a music video for a long time – but not just a regular music video, one with a strong positive message for young people.

And what is the video’s message?

Be stronger, achieve your dreams, fight against bullies or WHATEVER strong force is against you.

Who funded this project?

This project was completely self-funded, and [we] could not have done this without the incredible support of our fans. 274 fans contributed over [$18,000] through our on-line Kickstarter campaign in just over a week, and another fan bought into our vision and made a substantial contribution, enabling us to book our trip to LA!

When and where was it created?

The video was made over a two-day period at the end of August 2011 in Los Angeles. Most of the filming was done at a campus-style high school.

How did you get this idea?

Tf3 and our producer Steve Hackman have been wanting to make a music video for some time. However it wasn’t until Zach came up with the idea for the story that we all felt inspired. All four of us realized that we had similar stories: we were the kid in school who didn’t fit in and was sometimes bullied or left out because we played an instrument. But we didn’t give up.

“We were the kid in school who didn’t fit in and was sometimes bullied or left out because we played an instrument.”

The guys in Tf3 get it.  They know what it’s like to be bullied … disrespected … made fun of … just because of being different; and like our other examples above, they managed not to let it get them down.  Time for Three is, now, a highly successful musical group known internationally which features three classically trained musicians that have a love for ALL kinds of music.  And yet they started like so many other groups do … as a garage band.

Go figure.

The trio features Zachary (Zach) De Pue and Nicolas (Nick) Kendall on violin, and Ranaan Meyer on double bass.  All of them have a passion for playing, improvising, composing and arranging music … and, thank goodness … for encouraging others who may be experiencing some of the challenges they faced growing up to “Be Stronger.”

But don’t take my word for any of this.  Check them – and their video – out for yourself at www.tf3.com .

Start the Conversation: Ending Teen Dating Violence

Let’s imagine for a moment that a student walks into their first day of algebra class, takes a seat and is immediately presented with the final exam. It’s safe to assume the student would probably fail the test. After all, how can you expect someone to succeed in a subject they’ve never been taught?

Yet when it comes to dating relationships, we often expect young people to have all the answers without ever studying the subject. If we want to end teen dating violence, we need to have more involved conversations with our young people around the topic of dating relationships.

This past summer, my hometown of Wayland, Mass. was rocked by its first murder in over 20 years — the devastating death of a recent high school graduate at the hands of her controlling ex-boyfriend. As the small town struggled to cope with the horrific incident, a stunned classmate was quoted as saying “This type of thing doesn’t happen here.” The girl was perhaps suggesting that violence doesn’t happen in small suburban communities. The sad reality is, however, that domestic abuse takes place everywhere.

Teen dating violence runs across race, gender, and socioeconomic lines. And since young people are far less likely than adults to report abuse, the mistreatment often goes on completely unaddressed. In my time teaching prevention programming at Chicago area schools, it has become evident that many young people are simply not identifying the abuse in the first place. With so few examples of healthy relationships to draw upon for guidance, many students are learning the wrong behaviors very early on.

A few weeks ago I asked a group of seventh grade students “What should you do if someone cheats on you?” The response I received almost left me speechless. “That’s when you go get razor blades and lemons and teach her not to cheat again.” Somewhere along the line, this 12-year-old boy in the back row of my class had been taught that if someone cheats on you, you cut them. As a class we stopped and investigated the whole scenario. Your partner cheated on you and, yes, you’re probably mad about it — but what are your options for handling the situation?

The class drafted up a list of options, including ending the relationship without the use of violence. As the discussion continued, the class reached a consensus that it wasn’t worth it to seek revenge. They agreed that a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship worth holding onto anyways. By the time the bell rang, it seemed as though we had sufficiently introduced some healthy methods for handling the situation. Regardless, I was left feeling confounded. Just imagine the violent consequences that could have transpired had that young man not participated in our conversation.

Inviting a teen dating violence prevention program to your school means acknowledging that a problem might exist; a recognition that some schools are not yet willing to make and some parents do not want to accept. As a result, our program at Between Friends is taught primarily at schools located in low-income areas where violence prevention programs are more heavily sought after.

We offer a variety of programming but the most popular curriculum runs for eight weeks and covers a diversity of topics including two weeks dedicated to discussing the components of a healthy relationship. Last year my co-facilitator and I taught programming to over 3,000 students here in Chicago. No matter what school we visit, the students share a similar reaction to the program — they want to talk about dating relationships and they have questions that need answering.

After leading the same discussions with young people on multiple occasions, some themes begin to emerge. One such theme is where young people are learning their relationship behaviors. It turns out teens are very quick to emulate the actions of adults, whether on television or at home, resulting in some pretty mixed messages. Students who witness domestic violence at home are more likely to experience abuse in their own relationships but even students from stable homes run the risk of encountering dating violence. The opportunity to sit down and discuss the subject with a trusted adult can make all the difference.

As adults we have a responsibility to create safe spaces for young people to talk about difficult topics. We get taught very early on that relationships are private, and this has resulted in a reluctance on behalf of adults to discuss the topic of dating with young people. We can no longer afford to sit back and wait for the conversation to come to us. Relationships are a complex and challenging thing to navigate and without prior experience to help guide them, young people are at an even higher risk for abuse than adults. If we want our young people to have successful relationships, we need to talk to them about it. After all, you can’t expect someone to succeed in a subject they’ve never been taught.

 

Paul Robinson

Prevention & education specialist, Between Friends

Rachelle’s Corner – The SS Website and How it has Helped!

Rachelle’s Corner

11/30/11

Todays Topic: The Start Strong Wichita Website

The Start Strong Wichita Website is such an amazing tool! I have honestly used it for some pretty serious stuff.

This past April I went through a rough break-up with a guy who I thought was absolutely amazing. It was rough for me because it happened so sudden, and with out any forewarning. Where could I turn? Of course some of my friends were there to console me, but I also thought about the Start Strong website. So I checked it out and found “The Exit Strategy” under the “Need Advice?” column at the top. I read through it and used some of the great tools it has for getting over the break-up and on preparing for the break-up. I do not believe that I was in an abusive relationship with this guy, but The Exit Strategy is for every kind of break-up!

Another cool way that this site can be used, is helping your friends and family. Recently, a family member who discussed with me some issues she has been having with her boyfriend. I quickly mentally identified signs of a very emotionally abusive relationship. To try and break the ice and talk to her about how her relationship seemed highly unhealthy, I once again turned to the Start Strong site, and had her go through a check list I found on the “Just for Girls” section under “Need Advice?” about what an abusive relationship looks like. When I asked her the questions, she slowly came to the realization that she IS in an abusive relationship, without me having to point it out for her. Then, through the Start Strong website, I was able to connect her with more information on preparing for break-ups, and abuse in general. I am happy to say that she is now out of that relationship and much happier.

So I encourage you to check out the site thoroughly. One of my all-time favorite aspects of it are the videos at the bottom of most of the pages. On different pages you can find different cool and interesting videos! Whats your favorite way to utilize the Start Strong site?

Over and Out!

Rachelle Feuillerat

Twilight and the Themes of Domestic Abuse

As reported by NPR – 11/17/2011

However wet-blanket it may seem to say so, the more this series embraces its identity as a dance of abusive emotional grotesques, the more bothersome its themes become. Entertainment is entertainment; fun is fun; Edward’s and Jacob’s stalker-like possessiveness and Bella’s lack of agency are well-covered territory by now.

But when a saga popular with pre-adolescent girls peaks romantically on a night that leaves the heroine to wake up covered with bruises in the shape of her husband’s hands — and when that heroine then spends the morning explaining to her husband that she’s incredibly happy even though he injured her, and that it’s not his fault because she understands he couldn’t help it in light of the depth of his passion — that’s profoundly irresponsible.

Yes, we’re all having a good yuk over the unhinged quality of it all. And yes, it’s a movie with a monster baby. (And an angry argument among a pack of wolves that’s about as menacing as an outtake from Oliver & Company.)

But romanticizing an intimate relationship that leaves bruises and scars is a particularly terrible idea in a film aimed at girls. Talking about this is tiresome, but then so is putting it in the movie. From depicting the loss of virginity as a naturally violent, frightening, physically dangerous experience to making Bella a woman with no life at all outside of her literally all-consuming pregnancy, the narrative sledgehammers are all as distasteful as they are inelegant.

You know what this is. You won’t be surprised, if you’ve read the books. This is a descent into madness, of a particularly gruesome kind.

The 2012 UPSTANDER Awards

We are very pleased to announce that as part of the February Final Friday Art Exhibit at The Shopkeeper’s Gallery (228 N. Market), we will be having the debut of the UPSTANDER Awards, where we will be rewarding kids all over Wichita who have exemplified the UPSTANDER code in their life.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness & Prevention Month and we need YOUR help to identify who these UPSTANDERS are, what they have done, and how they have inspired you.

To nominate a peer, please submit a 300-500 word explanation of why that person should receive an UPSTANDER Award and submit it to our Violence Prevention Specialist Emily Daggett by emailing her at edaggett@catholiccharitieswichita.org

Several Awards will be presented throughout the evening and one award will be selected to be presented by the mayor at our annual proclamation to kick off the event.

Nominations will be accepted until January 31st, 2012.  We can’t wait to hear them.

Feel free to spread on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and your favorite social networking sites.

Spreading the UPSTANDER message starts with YOU.

Amazing Anti- Cyber Bullying Video

A good friend and volunteer of Start Strong Wichita, Michelle Corkins, recently found this video while searching for Ben Fold’s Music on YouTube and sent it to us.  Thank you Michelle for sending this to us right away, what an amazing video to share!

If you hear of a story, photo, video, or news that you think might be relevant to our project – please don’t hesitate to send it to us!

An Earnest Attempt To Humanize Bullies

An Earnest Attempt To Humanize Bullies

Tavi Gevinson First Posted: 11/17/11 01:35 PM ET Updated: 11/17/11 11:08 PM ET

Trying to talk seriously about bullying is hard. The word alone sounds cheesy. This is the first in a series of posts in which we try to have that conversation.

Bullies! Hot topic! Trendy right now! Whether Lady Gaga is giving an interview about how she was born that way or Taylor Swift is playing victim to a couple of laughing jerks in the video for “Mean,” everyone has been talking about these terrifying and technologically-savvy creatures. But the real questions remain unanswered. Who are these mystery people? Where do they buy those giant combat boots, the better to stomp through school hallways with? What bushes do they hide behind? Where do they keep their safes full of stolen lunch money? What technology have they been confidentially developing with Steve Jobs from the privacy of secret lairs to be able to write cruel things on their classmates’ Facebook walls in Instant HD HQ Real Time?

The reality is that bullies are me and you and everyone we know. Not in an X-Files way — I’m not saying we should all live in fear of the 7-Eleven guy insulting us at random while we’re paying for our Slurpees. But humans can be really stupid and cruel, and pretty much everyone has bullied another person at some point. Out of insecurity, out of pressure, for so many reasons. I have. You have. If you deny it, you are either lying or an infant. Of course, just because I think bullying is human doesn’t mean that I don’t also think humans can control their actions, or that when they know they’re being a bully, they should let themselves off with, “I’m JUST a human being!” But I don’t really see this reality I’m talking about represented in Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift or most news coverage on the gay teen suicides of last year. And I’d like to.

Here’s why: at my middle school, they told us to think about if we were bullying anyone and just didn’t realize it — but no one is going to look at this popular caricature of a bully as some evil, mugging Regina George and think, “Oh god, that’s me.” Because — with the exceptions of people you read about in the news who really misinterpreted the messages of Jawbreaker and Heathers — no one is an evil, mugging, Regina George. (THREE POINTS TO ME FOR SO MANY HIGH SCHOOL MEAN-GIRL CULTURAL REFERENCES IN ONE SENTENCE.) Likewise, no one is a completely innocent, Taylor-Swiftian doe-eyed victim, either. People bully in different ways, for different reasons. But so long as they’re not going to the extremes of tripping kids in the cafeteria and posting a video of it to YouTube, they might not realize that they’re actually causing harm, and they might continue. Like, hey, pop culture, can I get a really normal high-school character who does a shitty thing one time because they feel bad about themselves, and then regrets it?

This post is part of an ongoing series we’re doing at Rookie, and sharing with HuffPost High School, for a few weeks in an attempt to humanize bullies. Not to garner sympathy for their actions or to defend what they do, at all. But when I think about this national discussion, I think it’s important to acknowledge that bullies aren’t cartoon characters. If we make bullies into cartoon characters, no one is able to relate to them. And when no one relates to them, no one realizes that they’re being a bully to someone else. Plus, bullies are way easier to ignore when you realize they’re human — they’re insecure, they’re weak, they’re all of those things. See this as a “BULLIES: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!” kind of thing. Only not as lame, hopefully.

If I sounded too much like your own middle school principal just now, slap me.

- Tavi Gevinson, 15, Editor-in-Chief and Founder of RookieMag.com