The Continuum of Bullying: From Teasing to “Bullycide”
Bullying is a serious form of abuse that often starts when kids are in grade school. As the bully gets older, the forms of bullying can (and often do) become more severe. Bullies pick on someone generally smaller, weaker or more passive than themselves so they can feel like they have power and control over that person.
We feel it’s important to draw the connection between bullying of others early on that can then lead to violent intimate relationships later. This, in particular, is what advocates are trying to help middle school staff and parents of “tweens” see.
Most parents, as evidenced in surveys, don’t think that their pre-teens have had a boyfriend/girlfriend yet; and if young people indicated they had been in an intimate relationship, parents were often clueless about that relationship in regards to how long or short it was in duration. In fact, many concerned adults may not see pre-teens as “dating” yet, but the other peer relationships of these young people that they can observe yield many clues about how intimate partner relationships will begin to emerge as they grow older.
For now, though, bullying is the hot topic and we can capitalize on people seeing that as an issue in a way that lets them make the translation to unhealthy teen dating relationships, and eventually to the scourge of domestic violence, elder abuse, and more. To work at eliminating bullying by pubescent and adolescent young people is to make progress in all of these areas.
We have a duty to help young audiences and older audiences understand what we are talking about here. Bullying comes in a variety of forms from teasing, to spreading rumors, to public humiliation, to physical altercations and perhaps to actual killing. There are numerous personal life stories of young people who were either bullied so much they only saw suicide as a way to ease their pain and escape the bullying, or their bullies were so violent they eventually killed their victim. (See previous blog, “Bullycide,” Teen Dating & Relationship Violence: The Faces of Teen Tragedy.)
In an abusive dating relationship, the abuser (bully) wants full control of the relationship and seeks it with behaviors such as:
- Making all of the decisions for their partner;
- Putting their dating partner down, calling him or her names, or yelling;
- Physically hurting the other by slapping, kicking, punching, etc.;
- Doing things to scare or intimidate their partner; and/or
- Making threats to hurt their partner, themselves, or people important to their partner.
When the abused partner wants out of the relationship, the abuser (bully) feels threatened and fears losing control over this person. Because control is the main ingredient in the structure of the relationship for the bully, if their dating partner wants to end the relationship and effectively also end the bully’s control, the abuser (bully) increases the abuse. At this point, the victim is in the most danger of being killed – of becoming another murdered victim of bullycide.
Currently, many definitions promoted for the term “bullycide” are some form of the phrase “bullying that leads to suicide;” but those of us who work to prevent violence and build healthy relationships are inclined to believe that this definition is too narrow. When we define the term, we say bullycide is the cause of another person’s death as the direct result of bullying.
When you examine the Latin suffix “cide,” you find that it represents these kinds of meanings: kill, killer; murder, to cause death, slayer; cutter; “to cut down.”
“Bullycide,” as we see it, can just as easily be akin to “homicide” as it is to “suicide.” Whether a death is self-inflicted or other-inflicted, if it is the result of bullying (“the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate, damage, destroy or force another to do what one wants”) the result is the same: a person senselessly dies because of the misuse of personal power.
When there are stories of people who take their own lives because of bullying and stories of people who have been killed by a bully, this makes an even stronger case for exploring a continuum of what constitutes bullying. As well-known anti-bullying advocate, Jodee Blanco teaches, “It’s not just joking around!”
The relationship is slightly different if a person is bullying someone with whom they are not in a dating relationship versus dating that person and bullying them, but the behaviors are very similar. Certainly the pain and damage from the bullying is the same.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide
Please call 911 now
If you are not in the U.S., please call your local emergency number.
There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive.
Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you.
Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.
Suicide is Never the Answer
If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide,
but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings,
please do not hesitate to call the National Hopeline Network for Suicide Prevention:
Suicide Prevention Hotlines:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
You may call this number from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day.
Things You Can Do to Stop Bullying
If you or someone you know is being bullied, there are things you can do to make it stop. Check out resources that may be useful to you at
Stop Bullying Now http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.html
