A healthy relationship… the things I’ve learned from my Wife

For some of us, it takes a lot longer to grow up – especially when it comes to relationships.  For over a decade in my life (stretching back to the beginning of high school) I went into and out of relationships for one mere reason – because it was better than being alone.

Every one wants to be needed and loved, but identifying what each of us actually wants and needs in a relationship is much harder.  To be candid, I got lucky.

I met my wife, Laura, through a mutual friend.  I have to admit, if you had asked me, I would have never picked myself falling for her.  She is almost everything I’m not.  She’s structured, disciplined, holds to strong values.  She is an active listener and works hard in school.  She knows what’s in her checking account (at all times) and plans well for the future.  And without knowing it at the time, she was exactly what my life needed.

What I’ve come to learn about love is this; you don’t plan out a relationship, you don’t put it on the calendar, and when done right, it never fits into your life plan for yourself.

Laura has become much more than my wife, she has become my life coach.  Everyday she shows me a new way of looking at the world.  We challenge each other, constantly.  But it’s not conflict.  It’s a constant desire to improve – to evolve into someone new, someone even more worthy of the other’s love.  She has a way of shaking my core beliefs with simple questions and a way of building up my ideas when even I become skeptical.  From her, I’ve learned the simplest truth of a healthy relationship is this: A healthy relationship balances the parts of yourself that you need to improve.

I have never had a project that has not gone through her approval.  She looks at the world differently, and she loves me enough to tell me when I screw up.  (Which happens quite frequently I might add.)  She trusts me when she’s not around and does not criticize me for spending so much time with my hobbies and my friends.  She watches football with me on Sunday, not because she likes football, but because she likes to fall asleep on the couch.  She works hard in her career so we can continue to build on mine – which makes me want to work even harder for her.

We make promises to each other, and have kept every one of them.

-We promise to never lie to one another.
-We promise to keep all types of abuse out of our relationship.
-We promise to be faithful.
-We promise to support the other one in career and life goals.
-We promise to put our relationship ahead of money, the kids, our issues.

We don’t always see eye to eye, in fact, we’re pretty ideologically different – spiritually and politically.  But we talk about those differences and decide where there’s not always common ground – there’s always mutual respect for where the other person comes from and why they believe it.

I, unfortunately, have an overwhelming need to be ‘right’ most of the time, and she doesn’t gloat (too bad) when I have to admit I was wrong about something.

We share the chores.

We try, as best we can, to make time for each other.

We don’t have to ‘check up’ on each other every five minutes.

For what it’s worth, it’s not always peaches and rosebuds, but it’s not fire and brimstone either.  A healthy relationship is something that requires work… constant work, but in the end it’s all worth it.

My friends and family all agree – Laura is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  She is patient and consistent in her love – and that has really altered my overall attitude and a demeanor.  Friends that I haven’t seen for years comment about how different I am (aside from the bald head and extra 25 lbs).  And everyone agreed on facebook when I said my wife was better than me.  (Great friends, huh?)  My grandfather even said, if Laura and I split up – he’ll sure miss me.  We should all be so lucky that our friends and family like our partner better than us…. and with all jest aside, we really should.

Please don’t Laura I said all this nice stuff about her, she might get a big head.    Or better yet, I’ll tell her myself. 

I hope what I’ve learned from my wife is something you can take back with you.  Don’t settle.  Life is too short to be with someone that is not completely and totally awesome in every way.  So if you’re not in a healthy relationship, you should be single and wait… there’s no point in hurrying.  When you absolutely don’t expect it, it’ll find you.

Nick Barton
marketing director, Start Strong Wichita